he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
