laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
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