Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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