I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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