i love accidental penises.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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