my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
