I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
