I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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