She said her name was "party"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
