Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
