This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Randomize
