I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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