i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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