just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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