we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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