i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
