Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
