if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
