At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
