I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
