nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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