God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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