he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
