I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize