I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
