Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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