just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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