Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
