Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
