I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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