Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
