call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
