I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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