I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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