I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
