And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
