new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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