just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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