We got so high we made milksteak
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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