that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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