I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
