Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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