Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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