Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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