Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize