My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
