my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
