I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
