i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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