Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
