Can Purell be used as lube?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
