her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
