Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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