How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
