it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
