Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
