So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
