I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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