I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
God I need to hump something, right now.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
