i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
