Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
